It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
