Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize