I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
