Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
