Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
