I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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