so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I could make wine with my vomit
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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