What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
