we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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