I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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