I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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