He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
