you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I want a musical about memes.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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