Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
