You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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