no, he came in my armpit
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
