It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize