Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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