when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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