Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You ate ashes out of my bong
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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