i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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