I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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