I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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