she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
pop tarts are not kleenex
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
