Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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