Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
