Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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