i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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