Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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