I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
