i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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