tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
