Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
