i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
