after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
