i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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