he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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