I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize