I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
