You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
