It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
