took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This baby is an asshole
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
