I'm so fucking centered right now
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize