I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
