should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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