Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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