Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
