You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
