garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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