I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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