I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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