I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
