his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
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