rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
