Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
