i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
