fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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