Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize