We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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