I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
