I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
