Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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