I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
