If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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