Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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