I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We need to get me chipped asap
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
as a side note pls kill me
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
