"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
