after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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