I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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